Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
