Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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