I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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