I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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