Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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