Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
