I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
