My nipple is on Facebook.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
