i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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