If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
