Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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