I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
