I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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