So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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