Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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