I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize