I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Damn victory sex feels great
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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