my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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