I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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