So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
