hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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