i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
