well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
