Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
