It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
