sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
