All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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