i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
