I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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