I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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