if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
