I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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