Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
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Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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