There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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