I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
