I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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