You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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