did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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