Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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