Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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