who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
