Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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