the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
