I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
