i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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