Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
