Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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