if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
