she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
