I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
