Nicole vs. Life
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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