I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
