I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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