the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
